My Home Depot Angel

I realize that I am completely out of my element right now. Wandering around Home Depot yesterday looking for six inch fan vents, complete with metal ductwork almost put me over the edge of abysmal panic. I watched other women, glazed and glass-eyed, pushing their empty carts through the looming aisles. The most tragic, is the one-item cart. There is one lonely pair of gardening gloves in the enormous Home Depot cart or one bag of birdseed. I know the one-item cart game. It feels so exposed, so vulnerable as though people know you have no idea what you’re actually looking for.

As I wandered through the aisles, I searched for my friend, David — he is my Home Depot Angel. For twenty minutes, all I found were lackadaisical teenagers scrolling their phones and wearing the loosely tied Home Depot vest. They knew nothing more than I did. I had managed to procure a can of paint and some light fixtures, but other than that, my list was flailing and I needed serious help. I needed to find David. He would help me. After twenty minutes of searching, and on the brink of hysterical tears, I found him. He was there, between the tarps and the gardening hoses. I cried out for him, “David!” I ran to him, wanting to hug him but having only met him one other time before, I resisted the urge. He flashed me a big smile, “It’s you!” Yes David, it’s me and I need so, so much help.

David walked around the store with me for forty-five minutes. We looked at stand-up sanders, we found light switches, we found that god damn vent fan, we meandered through interior door options, he advised me to buy canvas tarps instead of the regular bright blue tarps that chip away in the sun. I let David flirt with me as we walked through the store, “Is that your handwriting on your list? It’s so pretty. You know what they say? Pretty handwriting, pretty girls.” Yes, I will laugh and smile along with your harmless flirting, I just can’t go back home without that vent fan. I will not show up empty handed. Thank you David. Thank you Home Depot Angel. I realize I’ve found an irreplaceable friend in David. I will never take him for granted. I will never want for anything else as long as David helps me in Home Depot.

I realize most people would hire help on their property and have knowledgeable and experienced people make these impossible Home Depot runs and believe me, we have been hiring help. We have an amazing team. (See my There Are No Men Here Today post.) But I also want to learn how to do things myself. I like to know how things work and how to put things together. It makes me feel like I can do anything in the world. It makes me feel smart and strong. Maybe this is because I have four planets in Virgo (sorry Heathar) and I’ve been putting things together since I had an Erector set when I was a kid. But regardless of the reason, I love to fix things, paint things, put things together AND, I get very frustrated when I can’t do it.

I feel so competent in other areas. Put me in front of someone going through a challenging time, I’m all in. Give me an astrology chart and I’m golden. I have a specific set of skills that very much come in handy and are greatly needed in the world. Holding therapeutic space is invaluable and so is knowing how to build a chicken coop from the ground up. I don’t know how to frame walls. I don’t know how to build a roof. But when I watch our team come together and pull a chicken coop out of their ass in three days, it truly does feel like magic. Creating something out of nothing — putting matter where there was blank space. This is true art, this is true creativity and one of my most favorite kinds.

Heathar and I were outside today planting starts for our garden. The sun was peaking in and out of the clouds and when it was out, I could feel my back burning in the kind of way where I felt I would never be cold again. Planting starts is something I can do. I can mix our soil with the compost and place one seed into each space. I can cover the seeds with dirt and add a small amount of water. I can definitely label the starts and place them on our shelves in our warm room that is serving as our temporary greenhouse. I can do this job, I don’t have to Youtube anything in order to do it. And while we were planting our cauliflower, eggplant, thyme, basil, jalepeños and Brussel sprouts, I had a deep moment of familiarity. I have done this before but not since I was twenty-two — not since I went to live and work on that farm in Hawaii. Everything about it was familiar. I was squatting on the back of my heels, my nails were filled with dirt and Frank Sinatra was loudly crooning on the radio. I felt waves of contentment and satisfaction wash over me. This is what we have been dreaming of for eleven years. This is what Heathar and I began talking about when we first met each other. We wanted to have land, grow food, collect eggs from our chickens and have places where people could stay on our property. I had to take it in for a moment. It felt surreal and also so appropriate. The sun, the mountains, the dirt, Frank Sinatra — I believe this is what home is supposed to feel like for me. I believe this is what it feels like when my soul settles into itself in moments. I am learning to extend these moments so that they are not so fleeting — so I do not jump from them back into the problems of the property and find myself consumed with worry and stress. I want these moments to live in my body and carry me throughout the day. I want to sing along with Frank all day long.